While growing up, I’d often stated that I didn’t want children. It was a premature statement from a little girl, but it was one I “thought” I felt certain about. You would perhaps say, why would you say something like that? Well, allow me to explain. My mother had five children in five years. I’d watched her exhaustion while keeping it all together. I saw the ungratefulness of a child on Christmas because they didn’t get what they wanted, or that teenager engulfed in their egocentric selves. I saw the pressure of mom having to keep it together when she herself was falling apart. I saw the struggle, and it appeared to be a bit too much.
Becoming of age, I made a choice that transformed my life in more ways than one.
The moment I looked at those two lines on that stick, I immediately asked, “What in the world (PG version) am I going to do with a baby?” I was shocked, but not shocked (I’d willingly disobeyed God...another story for another day).
On June 11, 1995, everything I said I didn’t want was quickly eradicated. Looking into the eyes of that 8 pound 11 ounce baby boy consumed my emotions. Regardless of my former child like thinking, I then became what I thought I did not desire. I became a mother.
What I’d thought, for all those years, of not desiring to become a mother was not really a desire, but a great fear. Fear of not getting it right. Fear of not having the strength of my mother to be a mother. Fear of failing and passing on my dysfunction into an innocent child. Children deserved a chance, which I never thought I’d be qualified enough to fulfill.
The truth is, mothers have been blessed with an innate ability to nurture what we bring forth and cause it to grow beyond our greatest imagination. Are we perfect? Of course not, but there is a strong strive and desire... “just to get it right.”
The thing I feared became the thing I desired. I had a strong desire upon meeting my husband to have more children. The fear of that little girl had gone, and I knew that I, as a mother, had what it took to nurture other children and shape them into beautiful beings. However, it wasn’t God’s plan, and it was one I didn’t understand but learned later to accept (another story for another blog). God didn’t grant my hearts desire, but he did grace me the strength to accept His.
Our desires, as mothers, are to see the best for our children. I learned, while raising Trent, why mom did all she did. I no longer feared moms responsibility, but I gleaned to her desire...to raise her children in the fear and admonition of God.
Happy Mother’s Day to all Mother’s! May God fulfill your hearts desire!